Dream With Fear or Faith?

"Faith will take you where fear won't let you go."

That was the title of the sermon my Auntie Joyce preached. To say it has stuck with me for the better part of two months now would be quite the understatement. When I began attempting to live by this statement and apply it not just spiritually but to every other avenue of my life, I realized something about myself. This entire year I've been held captive to fear instead of free in faith. The doubts, insecurities, second guessing, and underestimating myself was just a self inflicted tactic produced by fear to set me back--that's how I look at it anyway.

I touched on this briefly in a previous post but I didn't spend too much time expressing my innermost feelings and all that jazz. Essentially, this year I put off the querying process simply because I was fearful that I would have a repeat of my last run. Even though during that time I was less experienced, less knowledgeable, busy going to college and juggling two jobs, and my novel had not undergone that serious nip and tuck sort of revision. I was pretty much just a little bitty baby novice and now well...it's been two years. I should know a little something by now, right? Lol and I do.

So in the past few months I've realized that in any situation, not just writing wise, if I wait until I deem myself absolutely ready to do something then I'll be waiting for the rest of my life. Not many people are ever ready to launch out into what they consider the deep and dark part of the waters, but the launching has the take place some time or another. Whether you're facing difficult circumstances concerning career/education goals, financial setbacks, personal goals, family issues, challenging relationships, or just dealing with the usual curve balls life tends to throw at you keeping a positive mindset is key. It may be easier said than done, but it's true. Folks with big dreams need to recognize that struggles and disappointments are inevitable but discouragement and quitting is a choice.

But I'm human. We all are. So sometimes I get down and wonder if my dream career as a YA and new adult fiction writer will ever come to pass. Will I ever have a final revision that's good enough? Will my critique partners ever say "don't change a thing"? And why does success have to take so doggone long? And these questioning and doubt then transforms into outright fear. When that moment comes for me to shine or present my work, I get timid. Why? Because I don't want to hear the harsh criticism. Or I'm afraid a person will tear it to pieces.

But frankly, I'm sick of being scared. Screw fear. I'm operating on faith now. And I've told myself before that I have faith that things will work out and yada yada yada, but it wasn't until the concept of "faith will take you where fear won't let you go" that it actually sunk in. I just sat down one day and made a list of the results of fear and the results of faith. It is shared below.

FEAR

Suppresses our thinking and behavior

Limits creativity

Develops bad habits & stress

Weakens our resolve

Cripples growth

Robs peace & happiness

Limits prosperity

Chokes us with doubt

Creates procrastination

Causes insecurities

Defers dreams

Halts success

Undermines destiny

Lies

Regrets

Kills faith

FAITH

Invokes spiritual and intellectual growth
Motivates creativity to become artistry
Promotes positivity
Inherits promises & expectations
Strengthens our commitments
Cements your peace and happiness
Sees unmeasurable success
Creates belief in self
Demands action
Promotes truth and hope
Knows no doubt
Defends your unquestionable belief
Is a Free Thinker
Values loyalty

Instills curiosity and thirst for more
Kills FEAR

Wednesday Revelation--Novel Confession #02

I'm late. I know. I'm so sorry. Ugh, #BloggerFail

Anyway, let's launch into the Novel Confession for this week...Unfortunately there's some backstory here. Sorry, I know how much us authors absolutely loathe the backstory dump! This post will be long. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Out of all four of my siblings I've always been the most eccentric one out the bunch. I've gone through so many fashion phases, makeup trends, tried out several different personalities (I was nuts, I know), faked accents for months at a time, and just had a straight up crazy, fun loving time getting lost and finding myself in the process.

Throughout my changes the one thing I've always remained true to is my deep fascination with the spiritual and supernatural elements in this world. Growing up my eyes always widened when I learned of the mind blowing miracles Jesus performed, the Angels and their messenger moments, the Rapture and days of Tribulation talk in the Book of Revelation, the tales of soothsayers and no good spiritists in the Bible, Satan trying to tempt Jesus (I know right? What the heck was that older than dirt idiot Lucifer smoking?!), and all the demon stuff.

Yeah...I was that weird kid. But I never got a Ouija Board, HECK NO! That's pushing it. I always told myself I'd never cross that thin line.

That all being unnecessarily said, whilst writing one of my later chapters my mother kept nit picking at me about my WIP. And I was ticked! She didn't really know anything about my novel. She had never read a page of it. She was already against the urban fantasy with biblical symbolism idea even though she just looovvveeddd Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings. And I just felt like I didn't need her input when she'd already kicked my novel to the side. Essentially, my mom had this random notion that my book was becoming too dark and twisted. That I was teetering on the edge of something unholy. This is how I viewed her...

But unlike that lady above my mom was actually right. Duh, she's ALWAYS right.

The chapter I wrote was borderline disturbing. It had a very dark and brutal undertone to it. Bottom line, it was demonic. And after writing it I didn't feel like myself. I had this odd idea to research demon hierarchies--something I never would have thought of doing. Bizarre, right? I'm all down for conducting research for novels but I'm not down for dabbling.

Now, I'm not going to lie. The chapter was darn good and I was totally digging it...but it wasn't representing God and it certainly wasn't what he requires of me and my gift. Instead it was glorifying evil. If another writer had written that chapter I would have thought, "woah, this chick is obviously dabbling in some daaarrk stuff." Although I knew this I refused to change it. Hardheaded, I know.

So one night after my mother had prayer she came to talk to me and said, "God told me you just wrote something evil and you need to delete it and start over. It's ungodly and it's too dark. Whatever it is, change it. Now." Did I listen to mom? Nope. I brushed her off like a pesky gnat. I was angry and in denial. I went to bed with a bitter taste in my mouth.

That night I dreamt of an Angel adorned in a white so brilliantly bright that my eyes strained to even look up at him. I just laid in my bed while this huge warrior like Angel took up my entire room and was saying something to me that I could not understand. His mouth kept moving in a language so foreign and a voice so thunderous that they had to have been divine. It was almost as if he was chastising me, but I just couldn't comprehend the scolding. Towards the end of this dream he pressed his heavy hand to my forehead and FINALLY spoke in English. He said, "don't look up demons."

And before I could speak to him I was awake with my eyes glued to where he'd just stood. I felt like I'd just been transported from dream world to the real world within the blink of an eye. And the message was so clear too. His last line continued to replay in my mind and I couldn't get what my mother said out of my head. So you know what I did next?

I deleted that chapter and wrote it over! Yah darn skippy I did! I was freaked out! Scared! Totally not trying to get on God's bad side. I also rid of those stupid ideas regarding demon research and never wrote anything else without asking God to write with me. Mom was so right and when I told her of this dream she simply smirked and said, "I told yah so!"

God really does have His Angels watching over His children....even the hardheaded ones like me.